Change imo.

I'd love to come on here to say that my moitvation to play has been completely returned, and that I've been really grinding out the hands and the bankroll is really starting to grow.  I'd love to say I've played really well whenever I've played and I've gone through some nice breakthroughs... I'd love to say that...

.. but I can't.  It would be a bit of a fib.  My motivation to play is coming back, and my motivation to play cash games is really starting to take over the want to play sngs/mtts, but it is not quite where I want it to be yet.  Am I disappointed in this? No, not at all.  This change isn't something that I expect to occur overnight, but the fact that the change is occurring is great.  My cash game volume is still really low, but after the first week of January, it is better than I thought it would be at this point.  I still feel I can get in 5,000 hands this month (I'm at 2,139 as I type this) which would be pretty good considering I didn't really play at all the first week and a half of January, and I've played approx. 1,300 mtt/sng hands.. which I could have spent that same amount of time playing 3,000 cash hands or so instead of the mtt/sngs.  I know none of these numbers are overly impressive, but they show I should be able to easily hit my hand goals per month once I hit February.  

I'm still spinning my wheels at 5nl, but that is my fault.  On Sunday (1/18) I was able to hit $200 again, then decided to play sng's to try and boost myself to 230+ so that I can allow myself to move up to 10nl.  Instead I dropped about $40 playing mtt/sngs and pretty much just playing bad.  So I've decided, until I start getting my bankroll into the 300-400 range, is to take mtts and sngs almost completely out of my game.  I'm going to allow myself to play 1 $2.20 satellite to the Sunday 200k per week.  When I win a seat, I'm going to take the t$, and use those to play more $2.20 satellites, and whenever I feel the need to play an mtt/sng, I will use the t$ I win, rather than my cash game bankroll.  If I fail to cash the satellite, then I have to wait until the next week.  

Overall, I'm happy with the direction my playing is going.  I'm thinking about hands much better, I'm putting in some sort of cash game volume, I'm taking breaks and playing shorter sessions, so I feel confident things are only going to get better.  

Back to square one...

So it has been about 3 years since I've really started playing poker online, and I'm at the same spot I was 3 years ago, playing micro-level games.  To be fair, I've only taken online poker seriously for maybe 2 of those years, with a real focus coming in the last 7 months or so.  To brag a little, I have won a fair amount for someone with no tournament wins, no cashes higher than $216 (4.40/180 wins), only 1 tournament with more than an $11 buyin, 1 sng more than $13, and never really played cash games higher than 25nl.  

Despite this, I still have long stretches where I have no confidence in my game.  Ever since I was a youngin', I've always had confidence issues, and they've always held me back.  Part of it stems from a hatred of failing, and part of it comes from a fear of success.  I've always been the type that will shy away from any sort of spotlight, quickly dismiss any award or success I may achieve as if they were something I didn't deserve or that anyone could achieve easily.  In things such as school work  and athletics, I always allowed myself a certain level of achievement, enough to get me a little notice.. but I always made sure I slacked off enough to make sure I wasn't near the top of my class or one of the better players on a sports team.  

In the last few days that I have taken off from poker, I've spent time thinking about how I've done in the past, and what I hope to accomplish this year in poker.  I came to the realization that my fear of success/failure has crept into my poker playing as well.  More often than not, when a breakthrough for me is near, I will inevitably mess it up somehow.   That screw up could occur through something out of my control.. disconnection, bad beat, cooler or a lost coin flip to name a few.  But more often than not it will be through some fault of my own: lack of focus in a tournament, getting to click happy and trying to push people off hands they aren't folding, not taking my time to make a decision, forcing myself to do things that don't need to be done.  

To be honest, I'm not quite sure what all of this means.  I am sure that the fear of success is much greater than the fear of failure, as poker is set up for most people to fail.  Also, I am sure that I am in the same spot in poker that I am in any other thing I do in life: slightly above average with potential to do better.  I suppose this is me telling myself that this sort of self-actualization is great, but if I do nothing with it, it means nothing... which I guess means I need to either get out of my own way and start really achieving something..... or lower my own expectations.  I think its time I start giving myself a real shot to see what I can do with my own talent and hard work.

New Year.. new me.. new blog

I keep saying I'm going to start a blog, so here it is.  My goal is to post here at least once a week, even if the post is just "I'm getting steam-rolled this week, it's awesome!".  I'm starting 2009 playing 5nl to regain some confidence.  I'll end this first post of the year with my goals for 2009 (I have a lot of them):

- Finish stake no later than April 1st.

- Minimum $10,000 profit on the year

Cash Games

- Minimum 20,000 hands/month during school and 30,000 hands/month during the summer

- Be a 100nl regular by January 1, 2010

180s

- FT 8-10% of all 4.40/180s

- One top 3 in a 4.40/180 per quarter

- Play at least one $11/180 per month once I reach $550

- One $11/180 FT before the summer

- Minimum of 10 $11/180s over the summer if bankroll allows for them

- 5 $11/180 ft's with 1 top 3 in the year

- Play at least 3 $22/180

Online MTTs

- Profit

Live Play

  - Live Cash

-Go once per month starting in either April or May

- Twice per month over the summer

- Profit

   

  - Live MTTs

- Play at least one big Seneca Poker Event

- Play at least one of the daily tournaments per quarter starting in 

second quarter

Other

- Post at least once per week on the blog

- Get a steady subscription to deuces cracked

- Read Professional NLHE vol. 1 and Elements of Poker

- Post at least one hand in a strat. forum per week, reply to at least 2 strat hands/week

- Spend time every week reviewing sessions

Life Goals

- Healthy living

- Lose 25-30 lbs

- Exercise 3-4 times per week

- Cut out fast food and take out almost completely

- Start playing basketball again

- Have a full wardrobe... mine is pathetic at best

- Start saving some money

- 3.5 gpa or better in ALL college classwork

- Get back into reading outside of poker, 1 non-poker book per month

- Start a second hobby, outside of poker/computer/house.

Currently, I'm taking a few days off. I've felt nothing but stress the past 3 weeks and have

grown to hate poker in the last week or so. I'm taking a few days off so I can feel recharged

and ready to take on nl cash game donkeys in 2009. A few days off will definitely help my

mental focus, along with my excitement for playing, 2 things that have been missing the last

few weeks.