Back to square one...

So it has been about 3 years since I've really started playing poker online, and I'm at the same spot I was 3 years ago, playing micro-level games.  To be fair, I've only taken online poker seriously for maybe 2 of those years, with a real focus coming in the last 7 months or so.  To brag a little, I have won a fair amount for someone with no tournament wins, no cashes higher than $216 (4.40/180 wins), only 1 tournament with more than an $11 buyin, 1 sng more than $13, and never really played cash games higher than 25nl.  

Despite this, I still have long stretches where I have no confidence in my game.  Ever since I was a youngin', I've always had confidence issues, and they've always held me back.  Part of it stems from a hatred of failing, and part of it comes from a fear of success.  I've always been the type that will shy away from any sort of spotlight, quickly dismiss any award or success I may achieve as if they were something I didn't deserve or that anyone could achieve easily.  In things such as school work  and athletics, I always allowed myself a certain level of achievement, enough to get me a little notice.. but I always made sure I slacked off enough to make sure I wasn't near the top of my class or one of the better players on a sports team.  

In the last few days that I have taken off from poker, I've spent time thinking about how I've done in the past, and what I hope to accomplish this year in poker.  I came to the realization that my fear of success/failure has crept into my poker playing as well.  More often than not, when a breakthrough for me is near, I will inevitably mess it up somehow.   That screw up could occur through something out of my control.. disconnection, bad beat, cooler or a lost coin flip to name a few.  But more often than not it will be through some fault of my own: lack of focus in a tournament, getting to click happy and trying to push people off hands they aren't folding, not taking my time to make a decision, forcing myself to do things that don't need to be done.  

To be honest, I'm not quite sure what all of this means.  I am sure that the fear of success is much greater than the fear of failure, as poker is set up for most people to fail.  Also, I am sure that I am in the same spot in poker that I am in any other thing I do in life: slightly above average with potential to do better.  I suppose this is me telling myself that this sort of self-actualization is great, but if I do nothing with it, it means nothing... which I guess means I need to either get out of my own way and start really achieving something..... or lower my own expectations.  I think its time I start giving myself a real shot to see what I can do with my own talent and hard work.